http://carolinecblaker.com/about/rants_and_raves A casual blog reporting on the life and times of Caroline C. Blaker en artist@carolinecblaker.com Copyright 2010 2010-06-25T16:20:47-07:00 http://www.carolinecblaker.com/about/rants_and_raves/ricks_roll_in_our_wedding/ http://www.carolinecblaker.com/about/rants_and_raves/ricks_roll_in_our_wedding/#When:16:20:47Z Since our wedding song was too sappy, we had to heel it with a lively juxtaposition. So we decided to Rickroll everyone. For our wedding song, Travis picked out In this life by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole (get) and one night played it for me before I even knew what it was. It was so romantic and sappy, yet totally accurate, that we both burst into tears. It took listening to it a couple of times before we would ultimately be able to make it through the song without waterworks, but there would be no way to give our guests this advantage. Even if we could, many of them hearing the song for the first time would actually listen to its words and knew what it meant to us. The only way to avoid a sappy, heavy feeling would be to follow the song with something funny, upbeat, or otherwise bizarre. The father-daughter dance was not going to cut it. Then along came this idea that we would Rickroll everyone. Ha! Perfect. Rick Astley’s Never gonna give you up (get) would not only be in tune with the theme of our gathering, but after such a sap-filled song, this eighties megahit turned rock paradigm would enliven our guests who were familiar with its success (unlike our wedding song, which was rather obscure) and bring giggles and laughter to everyone who knew about or had been Rickrolled before. Finally, with all the bouncing around I would be doing, the bridesmaids would surely join me on the dance floor for a couple of minutes of nobody’s-looking dance moves. We proposed this to the Deejay in our planning meeting who said, “We don’t have that song.” We must have looked really puzzled, because he immediately followed up with, “Nobody has requested Rick Astley in 15 years.” (If you want to watch a video of our wedding, my cousin and creative blogger Agatha Wells made us a video) Technorati claim tag: VZ6Z72AEZ6ZQ Anecdotes 2010-06-25T16:20:47-07:00 http://www.carolinecblaker.com/about/rants_and_raves/the_planet_earth_amazons_earth_day_gift/ http://www.carolinecblaker.com/about/rants_and_raves/the_planet_earth_amazons_earth_day_gift/#When:21:54:04Z It appears that for Earth Day only, Amazon is offering Planet Earth: The Complete BBC Series [Blu-ray] for a mere $37.99 (down from $100) - here is why I love this series so much.The Planet Earth BBC Series is on sale at Amazon today, Earth Day, only. Here is why I'm going to buy this: The footage covers surface of the earth, pole to pole, covering both the obvious and secret species. The narrator is a succinctly spoken British man, lending the series an aire of sophistication and drama. There's an American narrator version - this is not it. The coverage of the animals is at some of their most emotionally dramatic moments - migration, mating, famine, and fear. The program uses aerial shots and close-ups interchangeably to convey the space of movement and emotions of the scene's participants in an extraordinary perspective. Its on Blu-Ray, so the resolution is as close to real-life as possible. In fact, you might actually believe it IS real. You know, for a second or maybe 10. In other news, a Roadrunner found itself in our back yard this morning, drinking the doggie water and looking for lizards. As much as we like our lizards, we were so happy to see this amazing bird at our home for the first time, ever! Opinion, Totally Random 2010-04-22T21:54:04-07:00 http://www.carolinecblaker.com/about/rants_and_raves/a_web-based_developer_makeover/ http://www.carolinecblaker.com/about/rants_and_raves/a_web-based_developer_makeover/#When:21:18:50Z A major shift in career for any web developer means a major shift in that developer’s website. Here are five major things I have identified I need to do with my website before it becomes my greatest online asset.It feels oddly empty and voided: my schedule that is. I have a couple of projects to look forward to, but like any other new job or career situation, this one is taking its sweet time loading up on things to do. I have officially taken the plunge into freelance and have a little too much time on my hands. Wait, no scratch that. I have all the time on my hands that I used to want before I quit my job. Aha! As I’m looking around at my online presence, I see no shortage of tidying, organizing, and clarifying that needs to happen before I start to see a lot of work. Not that I don’t deserve it - I do, but the website focus is changing from “Here I am” to somewhere between that and “Let me work for you!” I have a couple of major things going for me - I’m on a site platform that I love, Expressionengine. Its all a developer could ever want, and can be made into what the client needs in every situation. (I’m not only the hair club president, but I’m also a client.) I also have a design flexible enough to change or be seen in multiple browsers, and have developed my templating to allow for changes on a per-situation basis, whether I deem that to be per-page, per-section or per-paragraph. Long or short, I’m not limited by my platform or my design, so that leaves limited to my own invention, my ability to self-reflect and be critical, and my understanding of my website’s new desired place on the web and how to get it there. Its going to be a long road, but here are 5 preliminary things I came up with, immediately: Make Blogs more Bloggy How many Blogs do i have on my site? Two actually. One is called Conceptually Driven and the other is right here, in Rants and Raves. They function like blogs- I work on them like blogs - a post here, a post there, some pictures, etc. The trouble is, they don’t look like blogs, as they are missing some of the features blogs truly deserve: Categories links, Recent posts listings and dates, tags, and obvious connections to social networks, for reader posting and to connect with mine. They actually have RSS feeds, but these can only be found by clicking the little link in the address bar. And just forget about my self-SEO.. In order for my blogs to be seen and used, they must be treated like blogs. This is a fairly simple concept that I have clearly missed until now. It wouldn’t hurt to make the rest of my site a little more bloggy too - that way you might be able to find my artwork and videos.. yes, I have those too. Update site content to reflect my latest career move This, I have already begun in bits and pieces. However, my About This Site page still details how I found expressionengine and how much I love it, which is funny because that conversation is better saved for in-person, or for a site that is experimental and new. My new career is about moving beyond that and saying/doing/making exactly what is needed of an online situation. I do this well, in fact, but at this moment my content has not caught up. “About this Site” should really say something like “This is the home base for all that I do: check it all out.” Its otherwise unprofessional. This also includes adding sites I have recently worked on to the projects section and posting testimonials where appropriate. Migrate my portfolio into a flexible environment You may not know this, but my artist portfolio section is contained within a module called "Image gallery" which while sounding promising, is even more limiting for its look and feel flexibility and the ways I am able to use it without hacking it apart. As an Expressionengine developer, a capable one at that, I need to drop this unflexible, antiquated module and migrate my images into a system that is more like the rest of my site, with all its flexibility for templating and for optimizing the page for search engines. As someone who can create major functionality in a page, there is no excuse for using this limiting module that was included for folks who need more pre-existing structure with their development. I thrive on flexibility and fresh ingredients, and this has neither. Integrate live Twitterscapes My newest, most favorite art form, Twitterscapes, exists behind a lock and key, so that nobody can reach it and get at it before I’m ready for them to. How utterly sad. How can they be shared, loved, experienced, or understood by anyone but me while sitting back here waiting to be explored? Truth is, I want them to be live, but I need the code to work server-side before they do go live. The solution? Get off my duff and expose the most innovative contribution I have ever come up with, live, on my own website. While people are able to see Twitterscapes now, they are not live or driven by anything dynamic, but static representations asking viewers to imagine seeing them live. Not acceptible. The vitality of Twitterscapes exists in their representation of live Twitter data - without this Twitterscapes don't represent the full idea. These need to be live on my site, and then I need to take the sharing from there. Make leads easier to get So if someone wants me to develop their website, what do they do? Go to my side bar and fill out this leedle tiny form? Ha ha, No. They see that its so small and so geared towards art that they just move along and find another developer, one who has a huge contact form geared towards development, inquiring about scope, existing sites, budget, etc. That person clearly wants the project! Well I do too, so I need to do that too. End of story. My site wasn’t created to generate leads, but now its my best bet of getting them independently of others’ projects they don’t care to work on. Not only do I need this contact form, but I need to make it in an obvious place like “http://carolinecblaker.com/contact” and have links to it wherever I can justify them, with calls to action that suit my look and feel. They need to be placed at the tops and bottoms of project/portfolio areas and on my site’s header. This is a lot of places! It will require some rethinking of design and layout, just a little bit, but this is the most important part of having a website as a developer - if you don’t need leads, you probably don’t need to develop websites at all. Now since I’ve posted these here, this is how I am going to remain accountable - I am going to go through these in the next two weeks and make sure they are done to the best of my understanding. Is there something I missed? Please feel free to let me know below. Career management, My Career, Web Development 2010-04-13T21:18:50-07:00 http://www.carolinecblaker.com/about/rants_and_raves/a_word_on_moving_on/ http://www.carolinecblaker.com/about/rants_and_raves/a_word_on_moving_on/#When:18:01:03Z Moving on has unleashed a major flow of gratitude in my life that I would like to share with you.I’m moved to post today not because I have any crazy news or life changing events to announce, but because for the first time ever, since moving to Albuquerque, the world is silent in all of its commotion and unyielding in its grounding, and my observation is how grateful I am to be a part of it, and for what help I’ve had to build the things that I have around me. I am grateful for so many things; from nature to my family, to the skills I have, to the skills others have, and for my incredible future that is now undeniably independent, lucrative, and everything else I could ask for it to be. Perhaps I wasn’t clear before, but I actually DO have very important news to share. I have declared my independence as a freelance web developer and am now taking projects on a bid-by-bid basis. I have dropped my 9-5 completely in favor of taking my own projects and working more closely with my clients to help them get what they want out of their websites. There are many reasons for this change and now it is finally time. I’m ready, I’m steady, and I’m going. This event, though not the reason why I’m posting, has triggered an opening in my awareness to how absolutely good I have it, and I need to share that with you, as a fan, family, friend, or complete stranger that you are. You are a part of this. Just by cruising my website and reading my words, checking out my art work, or clicking through some posted link, you are contributing to my amazing life as a part of what I absolutely love about being alive: being able to contribute to the lives of others, like you, from putting a smile on your face, hopefully making you laugh at some point, or showing you new images to enjoy. To participate in your life as this, I am so, so grateful. I wish in some regard that it did not take leaving a job to trigger this flood of gratitude, though I’m sure that if it had been possible before this change, I would have witnessed it then. I’m getting the sense that my resources were being poorly used, though correctly allocated for survival. Ultimately, standing up for my balance required separation from the situation that required such heavy use of me. Ultimately, its only me who is truly able stand up for my needs, and the same is true for every person. Ultimately, this was the only resolution. I’m grateful to have reached this point, even in an unsustainable situation. I’m grateful for all that I have learned in that situation. I wouldn’t be able to do the work I am going to do without that knowledge. I’m grateful that they let me go painlessly. I’m grateful to be where I am, with their help. Today’s agenda includes a trip up to the hot springs in Jemez in a topless jeep for a little decompression with mother nature. Already, there has been yoga, weight lifting, meditation, gardening, espresso, and oatmeal. The little guys are pleased with my being around more, as is the big guy. With our upcoming marriage, this is a nice brand-new start, and a couple of months to share before he begins his medical internship. Enjoy your beautiful day. Career management, My Career, Self Reflection 2010-04-10T18:01:03-07:00 http://www.carolinecblaker.com/about/rants_and_raves/caroline_v._the_cockroach/ http://www.carolinecblaker.com/about/rants_and_raves/caroline_v._the_cockroach/#When:22:58:38Z Round 1: Its a familiar scene, well, to me at least. I’m walking through the door to our little master bathroom and *ahem.. settling down to rest. Not unlike many homes in Albuquerque, the commode isn’t far from most other things in our bathroom - and the sink, as a non-exception to this rule, is right next to my head. In any case, I’m minding my own business when i look over towards the sink and in the right-hand-side spill hole appear two very long, very orange-brown insect-like projectiles- like feelers. They’re moving gently around and when I move or turn on the faucent (one thing happened--) they vanished. I promptly flooded the sink in an attempt to wash it back down from wherever it came, whatever it was. Didn’t see it again. Round 2: Same scenario - I’m settling down, and look to my right to notice two very insect-like feelers appearing in the right-hand-side spill hole appear the same lively feelers. This time, I approach them with my hand, before making any noise, and grab one! They are gone faster than I can even look down to see nothing in my hand. Dang, I missed! Well at last the bug is gone. That should teach it to stalk my sink. See you later abdomen-hole! Round 3: Last Thursday I was grateful it was Friday. Sitting down again, I’m relaxing, and this time, coming out of the left-hand-side spill hole in the bathroom sink is not two but one and a half insect-like feelers. My jaw dropped a little, not only for having proof of this bug being the one that had been stalking my sink for-ever (apparently, I had succeeded in maiming its feeler sufficiently) but also at its audacity for having returned to my spill holes, this time choosing to use the other side for fresh air. This was unsettling and something else had.to.be.done! As quietly as a kitteh, I dove into the under-sink area and pulled out a third solution, this time bleach clean-up spray (ha-HA!) and aimed and fired, giving a couple of quick squirts to the spill hole, and the head of this bug. It quickly disappeared. That’ll teach’em! I thought I was done. Not a minute later I became aware of some movement in that spill hole. I repeated my shots, this time to what looked like a gigantic insect abdomen that had appeared in the hole. This creature was showing signs of aggravation I had never seen in the previous two encounters. GAAH.. it was gross.. but I couldn’t even see it, hardly. Pfft pfft pfft went the spray. Then it appeared to turn itself arround and disappear. But then, it found the right spill hole again. Not only did it find it, but it practically ejected out of the hole, which was almost not big enough to exit its long, orange, fat insect body. My sink stalker squirmed and wriggled out through this hole like living vomit and fell to the bowl of the sink, upside down, wriggling and writhing. I let out my best blood-curdler and continued to fire shots. pfftpfftpfftpfftpfftpfftpfftpfftpfft. Slowly, segment by horrible upside-down wiry chain-sawed leg segment, it stopped moving and died. Then and only then, did my boyfriend see the evidence of the rumors he had been hearing. And he almost made me flush it too.. Caroline: 1. Cockroach: 0. Anecdotes 2009-09-24T22:58:38-07:00 http://www.carolinecblaker.com/about/rants_and_raves/the_public_healthcare_debate/ http://www.carolinecblaker.com/about/rants_and_raves/the_public_healthcare_debate/#When:07:09:42Z A lot of people expect me to root for a single-payer healthcare system. I don't.The biggest thing happening in this country right now is the debate on how to reform healthcare. And among the majority people, be they simply opinions or long-studied scholars who can recognize economic patterns of cost analysis, there is consensus that the system needs to be changed. I’m with everyone- I am (ok.. was AND am) lucky to have the healthcare I did when I discovered my lump, and to have been in a situation where I would not be dropped by my healthcare provider. I was also lucky that research, trials, and treatments had previously been put in place to be available to me in order to classify my outlook as “extremely treatable” -- whew! While my out of pocket costs for care landed at around $2500, the total dollar amount was around $45 -$100,000 that without insurance, I would have needed to pay out of pocket. My amounts due were usually in the form of $30 copays for treatments, $65 for a two week supply of drugs (including shots, immune support, ativan, and sterroids which I quickly discontinued) and ultimately $1000 for my reconstruction that was covered at 90+%. While it was a strain it came nowhere close to the stress induced by chemo, surgeries, missing work, and having everyone around me thinking i was dying. I realize then, and I still realize now, that having it “lucky” the way I did was the only way to manage having this at all. Now that I’m healthy and thriving again, this healthcare debate is finally moving off of the soap box and onto the legislative floor. Super. One way it might affect me would be to make healthcare available to me within the next two years, regardless of my employment status. Currently being within 5 years of the end of my treatment, I am 100% ineligible for private health plans. This leaves only the possibility of state health plans and group health plans. In short, if I don’t work for a company that provides health insurance, my best option is paying $400 a month for a $1500 deductible. So I do. And that’s the only option I have until spouse benefits become an option, which is a lifestyle choice that doesn’t usually have anything to do with how affordably we wish to stay alive. In my observation, this healthcare policy likens me and others with remission or worse status as second class citizens, for having cost private healthcare companies too much money. http://www.reuters.com/article/euRegulatoryNews/idUSN2146504720090622 Aside from a quick exodus of my five-year purgatory (the time until I can be considered insurable again) the outcome of this debate does not affect me any differently than most “normally” healthy people. Yes, some day I might get the flu. Yes, some day I might get a melanoma. No, I don’t smoke. I don’t smoke that either. I exercise, I consider my wellness of 94% of my daily decisions. I choose to be happy and I can sustain that. I drink once in awhile to keep an ace in the hole for laughter and fun. Mostly just on weekends. whatever. I’m healthy and fighting the good fight. My cancer is not coming back, and I am normal. Its easy to see why I don’t agree that being married to my job is ultimately the healthiest thing for me or anyone else in my shoes. I’m an artist AND a web developer, not just one or the other. Yet, one of the strongest incentives for me to stay employed is the promise of affordable no-questions-asked healthcare, and I know I’m not the only one in this boat. To branch out and find my own balance, which is constitutionally something I’m supposed to allow myself to think about, could potentially be a disaster I regret until I never retire, due to six-figure bills. I am so glad the government is bringing in a new option for all of us, even if they don’t know what yet. Everyone needs healthcare. Everyone deserves GREAT healthcare. I know what great healthcare is. I’ve used it before, and I’ve felt it, through the heartfelt advice and gazes of doctors and nurses who held my hand when nothing made sense. The easiest way to think of providing this for everyone is the single-payer system model that is often referred to as “socialized” health care from the political right. Same for all, all for all. Its really quite utopian when you think about it. You get sick, you go to the doctor, you get your scripts, you go to the pharmacy. End of transaction. You recover peacefully and go on with life not thinking about how you’re going to pay for that shit. The idea is consistent if you think of yourself coming down with something really bad, like gawd-forbid cancer. You see the best doctors available to you, go in for treatment, as long as necessary, and you go along until you are cured, which happens as soon as possible based on how aggressive your condition is and how it responds individually. Since it costs the system more to have you treated longer, the system responds by caring for you intensely with the intention of sending you on your merry way as soon as it is no longer needed. And this will happen for everyone. All for the best right? .. Right? Actually.. this is where it gets a little complicated. You’ll have your prelim screenings. You’ll have a physical. You’ll wait a little longer than usual, but hey- what did you expect from 1000 extra people at the doctors? That being so - they find something - they don’t know what, but here is the kicker. You have to come back for further tests - they can’t just do them now. That’s right. You might have cancer but instead of knowing in 3 days, you’ll have to wait 33 days. If you’ve ever waited 3 days to find out you have cancer - I have - you’ll know that there is nothing else you can think about, talk about, read about, plan about. Why do you have to wait so long? Because the system is budgeted. And there’s a line. A lot of people might have cancer, and they can only run 3 MRI’s a day for this kind of cancer, as only a certain percentage of people have this kind and that’s all they are allowed to screen. So you finally get your results back, they are less hopeful than expected. What to do? In my situation, I fought tooth and nail like a screaming 4-year-old to avoid chemo, radiation, surgery and everything else, but my doctor just said “here are your facts, here are your options. This will give you the best chance at life.” I took that advice, but here’s what it really boiled down to: You’re 26 years old. You’re strong and young and this isn’t just about putting off cancer. Its about putting it away forever. You’re going to have the strongest, most expensive and most effective chemo we have, even though your cancer’s development is early enough that we would not always indicate chemo at all - You’re going to have surgery until you get clear margins. Even if they have to cut away your whole breast like a carrot. No matter how long it takes. You’re going to have follow-up radiation for 30 sessions, even though we know its gone. You’re going to have follow-ups every six months to monitor your health, because we know that if it does come back, after surviving all of this, it’s probably deadly and will need to be managed, and we won’t be able to find it without MRI’s and mammograms. If something is found, you will probably repeat the above steps for the rest of your pitiful life. My course of treatment was one that was over-kill by the books and expensive when I probably would have survived with much less. But it worked, the first time. My doctor’s saved my life and spared no chance if something better was available. I also had free counseling, free art projects, and the chance to live at home in relative comfort. I did not live in a state that had legalized medical pot but my friends helped me make do regardless. All along I received bills as expected from my insurance company, which may have been late a couple of times but I paid them and that was the end. And my insurance was never terminated. Neither was my job. One thing to know about a single-payer system is that doctors and nurses have legal protocols to follow, and generally speaking this involves providing one kind of treatment for one kind of patient, across the board, with no wiggle room. Penalties for veering off the path for various reasons could vary from lack of compensation to loss of license, which would originate with the government and be distributed from there. Now wait a minute, you say - this would not happen with our government. We have too many free-market doctors and nurses who would stand up to these kinds of restrictions and nobody would stand for a more limited system of healthcare. Well you’re right, and this is one reason why they are standing up for it RIGHT NOW. No one single body should determine care protocol, making decisions for thousands of individuals with their lives on the line in a single fell swoop. This is not health care. This is excuse. One argument for single-payer is that it should cost less than the system run by bureaucratic insurance companies - as those who author the system would find trillions of ways to cut costs from the way the system is run now. This is probably true, but only in the short-term. Cutting costs now would do a lot for the economic recovery everyone is trying to feel. Ultimately, the government bureaucracy is no good at cutting its own costs, and will rob Peter to pay Paul every day of the week - so if the war machine is underfunded, for example, your doctors may find that their compensation gets cut, without a trace of how it could be linked to what is costing too much. Or else only certain pharmaceuticals are made available by certain companies for similar compensation issues. Then what is to be done? Overthrow the government, when this thing stops working and gets too bulky? When your care is stripped to bare minimums and where you might have survived cancer before, allocated surgery times, treatment waiting lists and frustrated, apathetic doctors turn your life into a fight-for-survival hell hole when you might have been completely treatable (but of course, you’ll never know..)Yes I know all of this is heresay, and no, I don’t know where the facts are. But they ARE somewhere and I don’t have time to find them. This piece is only just to outline my particular awareness of healthcare as I know it. One thing you might not know about our healthcare system as it exists now: we do have a public healthcare system. Yes. The USA has a public healthcare system. Its called IHS (Indian Health Services) and it provides free healthcare to all Native Americans in urban and reservation areas. Any registered Native American can go to any IHS and see a doctor / be treated. This sounds great, but trust me or look into it yourself - You’re going to want to go straight back to your own doctor when you come up on even the best facilities from the outside. The lawns are not green and do not have sprinklers. There are no parking garages or valet parking. Every location is a hospital. None of them have new chairs or examination equipment. Everything is underfunded. There is a saying “Don’t get sick after June” on some reservations where nothing is treated unless it is immediately life threatening, which is sometimes too late. From the AP: “When it comes to health and disease in Indian country, the statistics are staggering. American Indians have an infant death rate that is 40 percent higher than the rate for whites. They are twice as likely to die from diabetes, 60 percent more likely to have a stroke, 30 percent more likely to have high blood pressure and 20 percent more likely to have heart disease. American Indians have disproportionately high death rates from unintentional injuries and suicide, and a high prevalence of risk factors for obesity, substance abuse, sudden infant death syndrome, teenage pregnancy, liver disease and hepatitis.“ Not only do these folks deserve deliverance from this hell-th system, but what if this happened to every person in this country? What if this was all we could get? You can see that these folks don’t have a lot of sway in the going of their own care. Its easy to think of a single-payer system as what we all need, want, and what would best serve everyone, but the upkeep, the funding, the inertia keeping these systems from succeeding year after year after year is staggaring. At least Kathleen Sibelius knows, that by all accounts, this is a ”historic failure“. Even if you’re holding out hope that with such a big possible single-payer system that the conditions would somehow improve, the odds are completely against. You could compare it to governments - which are more successful - dictatorships or democracies with a 3 part government one being a bicameral legislature? Product availability - monopoly vs. competition? Politics - one party or many? Without competition, our health system will fall to pieces. While health insurance companies should not be making money by denying coverage, so should the government not be given the opportunity to underfund the care of the whole country, usurp freedoms to choose doctors, dictate how they are compensated and how they should treat, in the name of cost control. This is socialized medicine and it does not work. When he is done with Medical school and residency, Travis will be called upon to work for one of these IHS hospitals, as he signed a contract in exchange for his stipend and scholarships. If the Native Americans have access to the same care that privately-insured professionals do, which is the best possible, scenario, the IHS hospitals might have enough funding and resources to treat folks who don’t seek such care fully. He’s got 5 years- then he is in here for four. I’m still trying to imagine how he will treat psychiatric patients without being able to give them the right meds. While I am 100% for healthcare reform - I believe the President and Congress are right to styme a single-payer initiative to our healthcare system. Public insurance may be our best option, and as long as it is available to everyone, it could be the catalyst to lower costs for everyone. Still yet to consider: How will a public healthcare option affect Native Americans? Opinion, Policy 2009-06-22T07:09:42-07:00 http://www.carolinecblaker.com/about/rants_and_raves/drawing_a_blank/ http://www.carolinecblaker.com/about/rants_and_raves/drawing_a_blank/#When:17:57:06Z Musings on thinking nothing at all, at the moment.I am unaware of anything I truly want to express. Though my mind is not inactive, rarely do thoughts linger longer than a few moments, or survive the process of my computer being found in order to be recorded. Sometimes they are just blurbs, the target of Twitter and facebook, but in these truncated frames of completeness, would I have ever guessed that these efforts would soak up the need to write further reflections? Should this be of concern to me? Or perhaps its just about enjoying a little bit of extra silence of the mind. My mind is far from silent, however, for the most part. I find myself thinking in blurbs, as though I could be updating my facebook or twitter status directly from my mind, through ESP. “Caroline is in a dangerous situation - there are cinnabons in the terminal”. “Caroline gives this airport an F in the computing longevity department.” “Caroline wants to photoshop a photograph to create a painting, but is drawing a blank.” “Caroline doesn’t want to pay for internet @ 7.00 for 2 hours. who does?” In these short statements I am constantly declaring the status of my life to an imaginary audience - choosing not to be constantly bothering my PDA that has the capability to help me update a real-life audience via the internet. But though I suspect this pattern of thinking has evolved from posting such updates, I don’t find them to be necessary. Sometimes its enough just to confirm my sense of humor to myself, and give anyone who has a real ESP connection to my mind a little extra. These updates, however frivolous, are constant. “I hope I won’t be sitting next to that guy on the plane” “Caroline wishes that major airlines could embrace the wi-fi revolution”. “Caroline is scared of people who hum to their headphones and speed-walk through the airport with no bags.” Though they are not always in the third person, as facebook suggests they should be, these updates to no-one sometimes feel like practice for actual tweets and updates, and other times its a way to reassure myself of my own self-worth. These are, after all, the format that my communications take when people “like” my status, comment on it, or re-tweet it. And with negative and constructive criticism being so out of style, there is only to be gained by participating in these blasts of self-journaling, at least if you’re into interaction with people - strangers or not. With so much of myself blasting through my head these days, there is much less anxiety to express myself, be it through writing,  art, or grumpy bitching. And while I feel like my life is growing into something I want it to be, its not there yet, but my frustration with the speed at which it is going is waning. With a huge exhibit in 2 weeks and a self-declared working vacation dedicated to its success for the following week I could all but slow the upcoming weeks to make sure I get everything done and every person spoken to. Still, its a sublime transition. After two years of virtual inactivity, the time has come for my art to live a little, and for it to be okay to put it first as a priority, even if its just for a week. Soon enough, with efforts like these, my following will ramp up, my art will earn its place among my highest priorities, and my dream of being an independent artist will be realized. Then, there very well may be thousands of people who receive my updates on a semi-constant basis, and it will matter to them. In the next month, my professional efforts are going to become very involved. Concrete Ocean has scheduled its grand opening with my show with Julie Malone, Still Within, over 1000 miles from where I live. Bearing in mind that I used to live there in St. Louis, it seems only fitting that I would celebrate my 3 year anniversary of cancer survival in the city where I survived, surrounded by the people who helped me. I will also be debuting my Tuesday Night Ritual, an effort that began 6 years ago, and was finished only within the last several months. Though its important for me to keep the location of my show true to concept, I think my motivation for organizing a show in St. Louis really came from a conservative need to make this a huge show for me and to make it easy for my biggest audience, undoubtedly still in St. Louis, to be easily reached by local marketing and invited to this show which is a celebration as much as it is an art show. My goals for this show are as follows: To relax into a great art show. To make enough money to justify the costs. To reconnect with old friends. To reignite my connections in St. Louis. To come out a better artist than I walked in as, better connected, better respected, and with broader options for the future. I am dreaming, dreaming, dreaming, though realistically I presume. And all of this is possible. As long as I stay organized and motivated, its all within reach. And now, I wonder if my status updates to my own mind are a tool to help me stay organized, present, and focused; if these self status updates are a sign of my growing voice and a will to be true to myself and exist and create within my own sustainable boundaries. The disconcerting part about those is that I feel that they may be my most active creative outlet, causing me to be less motivated to make art and hone skills, creativity, and career. But then I think about all of the pressure I am under at work, and all that I’m really trying to do, and realize that I am doing my best at all times, and that is all I can really do. Given a chance, I would change all kinds of things about my life, but some things I just have to work through and be happy about that. But I’m feeling less and less frustrated with that process, because I’m beginning to see progress. The passage of time has finally brought me three years cancer free, and when I think about all that I have been able to accomplish in those three years I immediately sit back and give myself a break. And then I forget about pressuring myself anymore and just let me update myself more freely. Again and again. Even if I draw a blank, it is a blank of stillness, of peace. I’m lucky to have even one. Though honestly, I still cannot wait until June Self Reflection 2009-05-25T17:57:06-07:00 http://www.carolinecblaker.com/about/rants_and_raves/a_pleasure_to_meet_you/ http://www.carolinecblaker.com/about/rants_and_raves/a_pleasure_to_meet_you/#When:02:26:49Z This week's ABQ Web Geeks' gathering at the Blackbird Buvette had us all a-#twitter.Its been just a few days short of one calendar year since I have moved to Albuquerque, and time has really flown, especially if you consider exactly how long I have gone without making real connections or friends. How the heck did I do it? Well one thing is for sure - counterintuitively, its much easier to make connections being single - or at least, much more of a necessity. For the first time ever in my days, moving to a new place has not seen “make friends” to be high on the priority list. I can thank Travis for this (gotta love him) because he’s kept me so happy that I haven’t needed anyone to keep me company. But now the deficit of professional connections and an ever-growing perception that I might be missing out are leaning me towards a more impulsive exploration of the city. Get out and enjoy your own kind! It says. Now wtf? My own kind? Do I have a kind? You bastard.. but no seriously. I do have a kind. Its the all-around creative with a lot of skills here and a few skills there. You can even take away the word “creative” and replace it with “mechanic” or “student” or even “architect” or “clerical” and still maintain some camaraderie. Really, the only thing that matters is that your skill levels and experience relate favorably to your age (group.) So here I am having plans to go to the gym - yet I find a way to come home even more satisfied - the Web Geeks Happy Hour I found at Albuquerque’s own Social Networking site. This is a group that gets together once a month just for fun and networking - a sort of co-promotive group of equally altruistic, self-promoting, and who-gives a .. minded folk who like me, have many skills plus a few skills. Yet we can all aim at making that “few skills” more skills, but then you get a few more skills. But I digress. Its easy to be intimidated by such groups as you approach a table where you know nobody knowing that you spent the last three hours of your life determined to get there. And I was, especially meeting folks with book deals and larger than life careers, older than me and seemingly within the same bracket of “uptight”. Enter alcohol. Ok scratch that last bit. Once you’re sitting down and have a bit to say it isn’t so bad. You won’t even necessarily talk about related things. But of course, you probably will, because, like Twitter, everybody always wants to know what everybody else is doing. Speaking of Twitter, (since everybody is talking about it) I was lead to this particular gathering from Twitter after finding someone who operates in Expression Engine (as in, the website you’re on right now is in this Content Management System) and in Albuquerque - on Twitter. And though I have attended WebGeeks before, this time I found it through a completely separate set of leads, which was something I never expected. To clarify: I never expected something I already knew about through one avenue to surprise me around a separate corner of the web through people I didn’t know and unrelated websites. There are a lot of appropriate quotations to go along with this experience, leaving me with the impression that I’m not the first one to experience this, and yeah, duh! You’ve been ignoring the gentle sublteties of your own exposure to life and knowledge this whole time. Welcome to earth, and the web, which has finally caught up to your perception of truly remarkable, unpredictable, and perhaps miraculous. Well thanks, glad to be here. And glad to meet you. (Whoever owns the image used.. for web geeks.. that I stole.. thanks.) Anecdotes 2009-04-16T02:26:49-07:00 http://www.carolinecblaker.com/about/rants_and_raves/finally_some_me_time/ http://www.carolinecblaker.com/about/rants_and_raves/finally_some_me_time/#When:23:56:35Z ..well actually US time. Me and the website. All dayYou may have noticed that the website has taken a turn for the extreme better. After eight hours of development using the Stickman Labs Accordion with this fix for Prototype 1.6, my website's navigation has finally come of age. Yes, you too can get to where you want to go with just a click of your mouse, or two. You can also browse the entirety of the website's contents from any page. This is a huge fix from the last system, which was essentially characterized by its own lack-of. But I'm glad to be improving the online experience of .carolinecblaker.com. As a web developer, I'm always coming up with new ideas for this site, though not always with the time at hand. But its like they say, one step at a time. Web Development 2009-04-11T23:56:35-07:00 http://www.carolinecblaker.com/about/rants_and_raves/micro-recyclo/ http://www.carolinecblaker.com/about/rants_and_raves/micro-recyclo/#When:18:02:44Z That and my job stretches me in so many different directions that I often feel resentment towards the lack of energy and creativity I retain towards building my own future in the mean time.Trying to get to work in this office can be so hard! There are distractions, co workers, things I don’t like. That and my job stretches me in so many different directions that I often feel resentment towards the lack of energy and creativity I retain towards building my own future in the mean time. Time after work is full of relationship-related spending time, living with someone new invariably obligates the people involved to give as much time to each other as is available. The above issues have inspired a lot of thought and a possible solution - to micro recycle my time throughout the day. So far, this means to use breaks I would ordinarily spend on Facebook and Huffington Post (reading comments and rants) and use them instead as micro efforts on my website and writing (like this very article) a few minutes at a time, to eat away little by little at my to-do list but more so help me find the peace of mind I require from taking a proactive effort in my own future. This is one habit to change that might go a long way. My 40-hr/wk work is building client websites, requiring heavy concentration and focus. I’m most effective while working in spurts, (as in, think! ~rest, think! ~rest, THIIIINk, ~~rest, you get the idea.) I used to beat myself up mentally for needing such frequent relief of my work, before I learned that I was considered to be a top performer in terms of effectiveness at my office. This is good, as I love the internet, and as a web developer, its always at my disposal for research, social networking, and staying informed. Hence my frequent aforementioned breaks in those habits. But I would still go home feeling wrecked, and now my dreams have been telling me that over time I’ve built up a frustration with feeling trapped and slow from not moving quickly enough, not developing carolinecblaker.com enough. It may have taken about a year, but I’ve finally hit the realization that I waste a lot of time on empty content throughout the day. Its okay to take the breaks I need, but with too much news and all of its pessimism and bitterness, and all of Facebook’s who does what, I find myself wanting this time to be enlightening and restful, perhaps even balancing, like meditation, but instead it sucks the life out of me. And then I go home and there’s no time to do anything about it. While I realize this should have been fairly obvious from the beginning, I did have my reasons for going the direction I went in. Firstly, I had in mind to do only office type work while I sat at this desk under the clock of my employer. This isn’t exactly wrong. Its also a darned good strategy for making good at the office for the first ... oh however long it takes for them to really get to know you. You never know which levels your employer will choose to eavesdrop and its not appropriate to ask. What would you have to hide anyway? New hires cannot afford to incur this skepticism. Eventually I developed this breaking habit that kept me sane, but it was counterproductive on all levels. After 10Am, I almost never used it for research. Between Facebook and Huffington Post, it was almost exclusively reading the rants of strangers and off-topic news that did not affect my life, much less my job. I didn’t notice immediately when I fell into this habit, but I did notice when occasionally after an hour or two of this I would have nothing accomplished. That being said, I was nearly as bored as when I had plunged into the almighty break, perhaps explaining why I had stayed so long? Counter-intuitive as it might seem, the longer I stayed, the boreder I stayed, the harder I looked for that fix, especially when I could not anticipate its arrival. Thinking about it makes it sound like a normal addiction. There are times when the news stories are way too good to miss - like today’s Washington Whodunit regarding the let-slip of the Executive Cap provision that came out with AIG’s executive bonus contracts. Sometimes there is an update every 15 minutes that is jaw-dropping. With the surfacing of the corruption in Washington that has been compiling for more than 30 years, its a nailbiter to say the least. This stuff couldn’t be written or imagined! Oh wait, Ayn Rand did it. But there’s an additional benefit to breaking away from this already distasteful habit - Often times the work that I do for myself and the work that I do for my office intersect - and I can use the work of my website to benefit work at the office, like copying code that I have already written or else researching tags and modules above and beyond the office for my personal website only to find that I need the knowledge in the office. With so much coming up this summer, I can hardly imagine how I’m going to get everything done. I have an out-of-town show in St. Louis and a gallery trade-out in May. I also will be going on a vacation this year. Yet I want to research generative art, get real with my website, and move along with my painting. I do think that micro-recycling my time will be one subtle yet forceful way to make a difference, especially with all of the ideas I have for my own projects during the flow of the office. Career management, My Career 2009-03-22T18:02:44-07:00